Pastoral Internship > Dealing with the Distance Between Expectation and Reality

During a new pastor's first few years, there might be a gap which opens up between what their expectations for life in ministry were and the reality they now face. This gap generally won't begin to show up for several months or even the first few years, depending on the new pastor's early experiences. But sooner or later, many realize they are experiencing things they did not expect and may not know what to do about it.

A complicating issue here is that it is not easy to admit to this. No new pastor wants to admit that the work they have chosen is turning out to be different than what they thought it would be. If they are not able to voice and process this if it happens, they may become disillusioned and eventually leave the ministry.

One of the major issues with which virtually all new pastoral families must deal is "life in the fishbowl." Pastors and their families are not often prepared for the invasion of their privacy that often takes place. They may well need some coaching on how to be public persons, how best to set and communicate boundaries, and how and where to express challenges they face in their public life. Of special consideration here should be the spouse and children. They may be totally unprepared for the eyes that will be watching them and the expectations (mostly unspoken) that others will have for them. They will need help navigating this mine field!

One of your tasks as a Ministerial Director is to be especially alert to any signs in your newest pastors that they are experiencing any of this. You might think that just coming out and asking them if they are feeling this way is the best way to approach it. It may well be for some.

But remember, interns largely feel quite powerless and without important connections with conference leadership. So they often feel particularly vulnerable to admitting to things they worry will come across as a weakness or failure. It might be more revealing to have a conversation with them at some point that starts out something like this:

"So you've been at this ministry thing for about 6 months now. I can remember my own internship and what I was feeling about then. I really struggled with... < here, insert one of the issues you yourself experienced early in your ministry >. It was really unsettling for me at the time. Are you experiencing anything you didn't see coming at this point in your ministry?"

Admitting to your own need for counsel or adjustment may be just the thing to help them see that this is common and not a failure on their part, thus opening the way for them to be frank with you.

It might be well to revisit this question every 6 months or so during the first two years of their internship. In a perfect world, your interns would freely initiate such conversations with you, but you might be wiser to assume the responsibility for surfacing this sort of thing yourself. The absence of their coming to you for help may be less a sign that all is well than that they just don't know how to broach the subject with you. Help them out. They will appreciate your initiative.

Some helpful books to help them or even to help you help them might include Dan Allendar's Leading with a Limp, David Paul Tripp's Dangerous Calling, and David Hansen's The Power of Loving Your Church.